I have found more ways to depose and dispose of squirrels than I ever dreamed possible. Being the humane, liberal-minded guy that I am, I started by hiring live trapping companies and using high-pitched rodent deterrent devices, which may have worked on smaller numbers (say, under twenty), but the traps filled up too fast and the squirrels began eating each other and my house. Weeks and weeks of humane and eventually less-humane professional pest control companies later, to say nothing of the tens of thousands of dollars in property damage, I simply lost it. I went Rambo on those little bushy-tailed rats.
I armed myself as well as all my contractors and tenants with the highest power pellet guns legal within city limits. I poisoned them (the squirrels, not my contractors and tenants). I gassed them. I recruited my neighbors' dogs and cats to catch and eat them. I hit them with sticks. I kicked and stomped them with my boots. I shot at them with nail guns. I chased them down with cars. I immured them (i.e. walled them in) Cask of Amontillado style. I even electrocuted and set one on fire with with my furnace.
Sadly, I eventually lost the battle. I went bankrupt in mid-2009 due largely to the mortgage and real estate crash in 2007-2008, but I lost my whole portfolio of properties in the process. The bank finally took this property back just a few weeks ago. It was vacant for some time before the final deed transfer, with the exception of countless squirrels running rampant throughout the building. In all honesty, the squirrels probably deserved the property more than I did. They were there before I came, and they'll be there long after I'm gone.
How badly do you need to get rid of your squirrels? Because I've got a few ideas...
**This blog post was manufactured in a plant that also processes mild exaggeration and tree nuts.**
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