I am doing enough. I am enough. It doesn't matter whether others see and agree with that. I see it and know it, and that is enough. I meditated just now (Wednesday evening, July 26, 2017) and realized the anxiety that has vexed my health for so long comes largely from not feeling like I'm doing enough, that I could be doing more, that I'm personally not enough. So not true.
A meditation exercise where I welcomed my anxious feelings and heart issues awakened me to this. The anxiety and heart issues have been here all along, but they were never the problem. The insufficiency beliefs were. I believed at a level so deep I couldn't see it that I'm not doing enough to make my situation better. Ironically, sometimes that insufficiency belief created resistance in me, rebellion even, causing me to procrastinate, do the minimum, self-sabotage, or simply not do enough.
The anxiety and heart issues and ulcers are gifts. Beacons sent by my body to wake me up to the underlying faulty beliefs. Fix the beliefs, and all my related physical ailments and uncomfortable feelings will quickly, easily, and naturally fade away to nothing. I won't have to do anything at all. Except change my underlying belief structures.
I am enough. I do enough. I have enough. There is nothing I need to be except exactly who I am being right now. There is nothing I need to do except exactly what I'm doing right now. There is nothing I need to have except what I already have right now. I probably don't even need any of that stuff, in truth.
This is why I stay up late, thinking I should be doing or learning more. This is why I work on so many projects, because I feel I need to do them all in order to succeed. This is why I procrastinate, thinking I should be doing something else more important or worthy or useful or valuable or cool.
Can I let this go? Yes. How can I let this go?
First, I can stop feeling like anything I do matters. It doesn't. This is all an illusion. There is no space or time. Further, this world of illusions can spin without me for a day, or a year or a century. The world doesn't need my businesses or projects or ideas, nor does it care. I don't even need them. I have infinitely more reincarnations to keep growing, if I want them. Any of my individual projects, career trajectories, or decades don't matter. Even in this life, I plan to live to 1000, so I have all the time in the world. However, I/godself do benefit from me following my passions and doing whatever pleases me.
Second, I can keep meditating. I can breathe. I can return to this essay regularly. I can reread books like Conversations with God and The Way of the Peaceful Warrior to remind myself that nothing matters and I can choose happiness. I can choose to be at peace.
Third, I can let go of the million projects and just focus on one thing at a time. One project. One business. One task. Be present. Be happy. Be focused until it's done. Then go on to the next one, but not before.
The opposite irony (of the one described at the beginning of this essay) is that as I live the new choices described above, as I let go of my fears, as I begin to live knowing that I'm being and doing enough already as I am right now, I'll end up doing more, learning more, and shipping more and better projects more quickly. Thus, this new pattern will help prevent the fears of insufficient action from returning.
I'll revisit this topic in the future to let you know how the process is going.